Baw

Please excuse "Mommy Voice"....

11th Months!

I wrote this a few days ago and still had to figure out my picture issues...so here it is, a little late...

Wow...we are in the final stretch of Matthew's first year...crazy how fast this year has gone by!

His monthly photos have just been harder and harder to take as each month has gone by...it is nearly impossible to get a busy boy to stay still.  I don't know how people get sweet little pics of their babies sitting by their animals each month...they must not have the same little personality of Matthew!

Speaking of personality, this kids full of it.  He is a mess...sweetest baby in the world but he is in to EVERYTHING.  Nate calls him Babyzilla.  I can blink and he will be up 4 stairs (gotta get that gate pronto)...he can go from the living room to Cameron's waterbowl (or food bowl) in 3 seconds flat...it takes a strategy to change his diaper because he will not stay still.  He is exhausting.

Just try and stop me....

Even though he is my troublemaker, he is the biggest ball of love.  Nate was a kisser....Matthew is a hugger.  Every time I go to his room to get him out of bed, he is standing up smiling from ear to ear and bouncing...and when I pick him up he wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes.  I just can't put in to words how much I love that moment 3 times a day!

So, at 11 months...he is eating more of a variety but not in mass quantities.  I am afraid he may be similar to Nate when it comes to eating.  We are trying new things regularly but his favorites (right now - it is subject to change at any moment) are his yogurt, apple cereal bars, apples/applesauce, pears, peaches (sometimes he lets me mix it with cottage cheese), cheese, toast with butter (but not cheese toast), mac and cheese, sweet potato cubes with a little cinnamon....he is finally eating pasta (but only wagon wheels...won't eat rotini...neither would Nate, weird)...we are working on the protein, sometimes he will eat chicken, turkey or beans but not consistently, so I still have to rely on jars sometimes for that.  He eats oatmeal with mashed bananas for breakfast most mornings but won't eat a banana on its own.  I will never understand the mentality of babies when it comes to eating....I just try to be patient...luckily I have 3 years of experience in this category!

He is a master cruiser.  He can get anywhere he wants to go at this point (even if he shouldn't) by either cruising from one obstacle to another or by pushing and walking behind something but we really aren't any closer to the independent walking milestone.  However, for the first time today I saw him let go of what he was holding on to and balance on his own for about 15 seconds.  So, at least we are moving in the right direction.  But Nate didn't walk until 14 months so I am not pushing him just yet.

He is really chatty and has a few coherent words in his repertoire now...he says "mama" and "dada" to us (no name for Nate yet), he says "baw" for ball, and he says "go" ALOT.  "Go" isn't just a babble word...I always bring him to my room when he gets up in the morning just to spend a few cuddly minutes before Nate wakes up (he is always about 15 mins behind Matthew) and once he is ready to go downstairs to eat he starts saying "go go go"...he also chants it the majority of the time when we go on walks, guess I am not fast enough for him!  And his new phrase now is "uh oh"...for the first time tonight at dinner he dropped his cup (love that game) and he looked at me and said "uh oh!" 

He loves to dance...he stands at his music table and bounces along to each song.  If a song or music comes on tv he will stop what he is doing and move along.  He loves "Goodnight Moon".  He saw Elmo for the first time the other day and it made him giggle.  He has the cutest little grunt laugh.

He loves his brother....they take turns being the leader...sometimes little brother wants to do everything big brother is doing (usually when all of the trains and cars are out) but sometimes I see Nate following Matthew around too (sometimes that is just to tattle when he gets in to something though).  Nate wants so bad for him to be able to play the same way he does...the other night he kept saying "chase me Matthew!" and running around...the cute thing was that Matthew did start speed crawling around trying to catch up!  Oh boy are things going to be exciting when he can run!

So now we are just in party planning mode and enjoying these last weeks before our baby is a toddler!

5 Years

Hard to believe.  Seems like another lifetime and yet I can feel it like it was yesterday.  Not a single day has past in the last 5 years that I haven't thought about him.  I see kids what would be his age and it's hard not to wonder what life would be like, what he would be like. 

I spent a lot of time today reliving those hours, days and months as I do each year...I feel a little naked writing about it but it has been in my head all day and I just feel like getting it out. 

I took flowers to him and spent some quiet time there.  It is the one time that I really let myself go back to that place emotionally.  But once I get through the hard part, I always seem to end my day feeling grateful.  It's a hard place to get to but the fact of the matter is there is a lot of good that came of that time and it helps to focus on it.  Here is my list of gratitude because I know I didn't do a good job of expressing it at the time:

• Obviously I am grateful to now have two beautiful healthy little boys.  There were dark days where I didn't know if that would be our reality.
• My co-workers...wow.  They did so much.  They were the first ones there, after our moms, at the hospital...and some were there for the two long days.  Some helped my mom pack up the nursery while I was in the hospital.  They named a star for Davis.  They all chipped in for us to get away for a week.
• I am so grateful for the choices that were made for us when we were in no state to made decisions...there is nothing that I wish was done differently.  I am so thankful that our parents chose a site for him at "Babyland" at Arlington Cemetary.  It is a perfect little area for only babies so there are lots of toys and angels that people leave out and there is a beautiful little tree that parents hang wind chimes on so it is so soothing to be there.  I love having that place to go to be with him.
• I am grateful for all of the love and support we received.  I will never forget pulling up to the funeral and seeing so many people...I thought it was just going to be us and our parents...I had no idea so many of our friends and family would be there and didn't even know my uncle would be there to deliver such beautiful words at the service.  I don't remember much of that day but I remember him saying that we were stumbling now but one day we would run again...I couldn't see it then but he was right.  We received more cards and letters and flowers than I could even count...from people I didn't even know, even from other countries...friends of friends or family who wrote to say they were praying for us or even to tell me stories of their loss. I am grateful for all of the food we received and for those around me who made me eat it.
• And for those individuals - you know how are - who did the following acts of kindness:
• took me shopping for funeral clothes right after I gave birth...I still think about how much of a trooper you were going in dressing rooms with me and basically dressing me...
• planned a "Packing Party" and convinced us to come help you pack your condo to move...I thought you really needed my help (which I am sure you did) but I realized later that you were also helping to keep me occupied.  Sneaky way to do it though...ha :)
• several people who would sit and watch movies with me or come play games with us to help lighten the mood for an evening.
• the one person who never forgets this date and always sends me a sweet note the night before.  Also one of the few people who talk about him and say his name comfortably.  I appreciate it immensely. 
• and most importantly, my hubby...we got through it together...he supported me and gave me space.  I had the benefits of meds for a while afterwards...he had to do it on his own and get me out of bed each day.  He was (and still is) amazing.
• UPDATE...forgot one...my thoughtful cousins who used some of the flowers we were given and had a necklace made for me out of them.  It still means so much.  As does the day you came over to spend with me.

I could go on and on....

To my Davis Christopher...I am grateful for the time I got to hold you and I miss you everyday....