5 Years

Hard to believe.  Seems like another lifetime and yet I can feel it like it was yesterday.  Not a single day has past in the last 5 years that I haven't thought about him.  I see kids what would be his age and it's hard not to wonder what life would be like, what he would be like. 

I spent a lot of time today reliving those hours, days and months as I do each year...I feel a little naked writing about it but it has been in my head all day and I just feel like getting it out. 

I took flowers to him and spent some quiet time there.  It is the one time that I really let myself go back to that place emotionally.  But once I get through the hard part, I always seem to end my day feeling grateful.  It's a hard place to get to but the fact of the matter is there is a lot of good that came of that time and it helps to focus on it.  Here is my list of gratitude because I know I didn't do a good job of expressing it at the time:

• Obviously I am grateful to now have two beautiful healthy little boys.  There were dark days where I didn't know if that would be our reality.
• My co-workers...wow.  They did so much.  They were the first ones there, after our moms, at the hospital...and some were there for the two long days.  Some helped my mom pack up the nursery while I was in the hospital.  They named a star for Davis.  They all chipped in for us to get away for a week.
• I am so grateful for the choices that were made for us when we were in no state to made decisions...there is nothing that I wish was done differently.  I am so thankful that our parents chose a site for him at "Babyland" at Arlington Cemetary.  It is a perfect little area for only babies so there are lots of toys and angels that people leave out and there is a beautiful little tree that parents hang wind chimes on so it is so soothing to be there.  I love having that place to go to be with him.
• I am grateful for all of the love and support we received.  I will never forget pulling up to the funeral and seeing so many people...I thought it was just going to be us and our parents...I had no idea so many of our friends and family would be there and didn't even know my uncle would be there to deliver such beautiful words at the service.  I don't remember much of that day but I remember him saying that we were stumbling now but one day we would run again...I couldn't see it then but he was right.  We received more cards and letters and flowers than I could even count...from people I didn't even know, even from other countries...friends of friends or family who wrote to say they were praying for us or even to tell me stories of their loss. I am grateful for all of the food we received and for those around me who made me eat it.
• And for those individuals - you know how are - who did the following acts of kindness:
• took me shopping for funeral clothes right after I gave birth...I still think about how much of a trooper you were going in dressing rooms with me and basically dressing me...
• planned a "Packing Party" and convinced us to come help you pack your condo to move...I thought you really needed my help (which I am sure you did) but I realized later that you were also helping to keep me occupied.  Sneaky way to do it though...ha :)
• several people who would sit and watch movies with me or come play games with us to help lighten the mood for an evening.
• the one person who never forgets this date and always sends me a sweet note the night before.  Also one of the few people who talk about him and say his name comfortably.  I appreciate it immensely. 
• and most importantly, my hubby...we got through it together...he supported me and gave me space.  I had the benefits of meds for a while afterwards...he had to do it on his own and get me out of bed each day.  He was (and still is) amazing.
• UPDATE...forgot one...my thoughtful cousins who used some of the flowers we were given and had a necklace made for me out of them.  It still means so much.  As does the day you came over to spend with me.

I could go on and on....

To my Davis Christopher...I am grateful for the time I got to hold you and I miss you everyday....